"Have a Nice Day" If You're Willing
“Have a nice day!” This is something we say to one another all the time. And it usually comes from a place of caring for the other person. It’s a pleasantry that we offer to other members of our society.
Why I also add “If You’re Willing” is because to really treat one another equally, it’s important that we don't just assume that having a nice day is what people are wanting. I know, this may sound silly, but there are some very valuable underlying reasons for this idea. That’s what this page is about.
Saying “Have a nice day” can become a static expression. It can cheer someone up if they are not having a nice day. But what if they don’t want to have a nice day or can’t pull off having a nice day. If that is true for them, the statement may be one they don’t want to hear.
My point is: are we equally willing to hear from them that they are having a lousy day? Are we willing to really take that in?
On a similar note, my favorite communication teacher says, “We often ask people how they are? It’s another pleasantry in our society. Almost never, however, do people tell us how their day is actually going. That’s because it’s not considered polite to burden people with our problems.
I had a native Russian teacher who told the class that it is not the same in Russia. She said that, in Russia, if you ask someone how they are, be ready to listen because they will tell you. She said this a while back. I hope it’s still the same today.
Our rush, rush, rush lifestyles are not geared toward taking the time to be authentic with one another. It may sound scary; that people might talk at length when you are very busy. It doesn’t have to take a very long time to share how you’re feeling with someone, though.
For example, whenever I go to a grocery store or the bank, I often ask people how their day is going, especially if I pick up on something in their tone of voice or in the words they are using that makes me wonder if their day is going badly. If I ask them how their day is going, they usually tell me.
“It’s been so busy all morning. I haven’t even had a break.” And I might say something like, “Yeah, I understand overwhelm.” They often reply back something like, “Yeah, thanks for asking.”
In that short period of time, we have made an authentic connection. And it feels good.
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Empathy
My response to the cashier’s expression above was an empathic response. I heard them. I know how it feels to be overwhelmed. By feeding back the emotion of overwhelm, I am offering empathy.
I have been learning, practicing, and teaching a communication model called Compassionate Communication (also called Nonviolent Communication) for almost three decades. This is where I learned the value of sharing what we’re feeling with one another, rather than just saying, “I’m fine, or I’m good,” even when we’re not.
There is also great value in sharing what we are needing with one another. “I could certainly use a break right now.”
This type of sharing requires a power-with relationship with others. That means that we are always talking in an egalitarian way, respecting what they are telling us as true for them, and not taking a hierarchical stance and giving them advice (Oh, just think of something happy and you’ll feel better) or offering them reassurance (I’m sure it will slow down soon).
We make these types of statements for two reasons. Often it is because we want to help them feel better. Sometimes it’s because we are not comfortable with so-called negative feelings. I find, though, that when I communicate with others as if they do know what they’re feeling and needing (power-with), I make beautiful connections with them. Believe it or not, when someone is feeling sad or frustrated, feeding their emotions back to them, or even just their words back to them, quite often changes their mood - because they feel truly heard.
My experience is that when people’s feelings and needs are treated as if they are valuable, they usually feel heard, understood, and safe. Since most people want to feel heard, understood and safe, I often also hear from people how grateful they are that I took the time to really hear them. Feeding their words back to them isn’t the same as “parroting” their words back to them but just, compassionately, feeding their words back to them.
People often characterize me as a very gentle person. I believe this is because being heard feels gentle, like an act of kindness, while being advised or analyzed
("oh, you’re just a worrier") feels less gentle and even harsh sometimes.
Solving and Argument
This way of communicating is especially impactful if you are disagreeing or arguing with someone. By feeding back to someone just what I have heard them say – without adding judgments, analyses, or my opinion – I have seen people calm down immediately. I’m not necessarily agreeing with them when I feed back to them, but it lets them know that I have heard them, and I am considering what they have told me as true for them. This opens a way forward for a compassionate dialogue (which I have experienced many times as a way to find a mutual solution for what initially seemed like a huge difference).
The man who taught me this way of communicating, Marshall B. Rosenberg, said that he could bring two people’s argument to an end, even if it had been going on for years, within 20 minutes. once the two communicators had heard what the other person needs. We tend to argue opinions, judgments, analyses, strategies, rather than just letting the other person know we have heard what they are needing.
Marshall Rosenberg also said that our feelings and needs are connected. When we are not getting our needs met, we feel certain things and when we are getting our needs met, we feel other things. When we’re not getting our needs met, it’s easy to take a hierarchical (power-over) stance and attempt to make the other person wrong or thoughtless, etc. It’s interesting that when I tell someone else that they are being thoughtless, they usually get angry and defend themselves, rather than taking me in. When I tell them that I need something, and I am specific about what that need is, the energy of the discussion goes in a very different direction.
In Western society, we have not had a lot of education about feelings and needs. Most of us have been taught that our feelings and needs are a burden and so we are not as often in touch with what we are feeling and needing as we could be.
This is a short document, but I believe that it is full of some very important suggestions. It’s not easy to apply it all right away, but we can practice on a daily basis, and before long, it becomes a more natural way of relating to other people. For more ideas for communicating with a power-with approach check out th page, click on the Compassionate Communication tab.