3 Important Things About Communication

3 Important Things I’ve Learned About Communication

Over my years as a facilitator of classes and workshops about Compassionate Communication, I have learned some important things about communication that I didn’t know when I started teaching. This page describes the three most important things I learned, mostly from observing how my students respond to me and one another.

Never Go Into Any Situation With an Agenda

Having a plan and having an inflexible agenda are two different things. Plans keep us on track but an agenda, especially an inflexible agenda, can interfere with our ability to connect with one another. If we go in with an agenda, we can miss so many opportunities to truly connect, and thus, really hear one another. And if we are not hearing one another, we can so easily get disconnected, rather than deeply connected.

In a meeting, a classroom, or even in a conversation between two individuals, coming in with the goal of getting what we want, or making what we want to happen the priority, fixing problems, educating people to the to the errors of their ways or their thinking means we are starting with an agenda. This approach usually impedes the connection we could make and can impede the resolution of a problem.

I have witnessed, many times, that refusing to hear someone’s concern about something, especially just to keep to an agenda, can lead to disconnection and to lost opportunities to co-create connections and resolutions.

If people’s feelings and needs are ignored, they will remove their energy from the conversation, by losing interest, or by physically leaving. Also, when people see another person’s feelings and needs being ignored, it can impact their ability to stay involved in the communication as well.

Always Go Into Any Conversation with Compassion

When I am working with groups of people, I notice some interesting social beliefs that enhance connection or create disconnection, defensiveness, and hurt feelings. Our social “rules” are often unconscious, and I think it is important to be aware of these. One way to be aware is to check in with ourselves to see what beliefs we are holding that lead us to interact with others in certain ways.

For example, when we feel friendly toward a person, we speak kindly to them and often feel compassion for them if they talk about a difficult issue. If we don’t feel friendly toward a person, we may choose not to connect with them. What beliefs are we holding that cause us to feel friendly or unfriendly toward them?

In most, but not all, societies, we tend to believe that, if a person has done something wrong, they deserve to be punished to learn better behavior. That belief may lead us to speak less compassionately to them, or to ignore them.

I have found that a couple of suggestions from the Humanistic Psychologist, Carl Rogers, are extremely helpful for me. First, approach everyone with unconditional positive regard, and even if they respond in a way that isn’t what you expected, just feed back to them what you are hearing them say, rather than judge or analyze their words. This was Rogers’ definition of empathy.

This empathic approach helps us stay open to one another and allows for a richer, broader communication that often leads to wonderful places of connection.

Never Give In, Never Give Up, Never Compromise

Marshall Rosenberg, founder of the model of communication called Nonviolent Communication (also known as Compassionate Communication) suggests that we never give in to another person’s requests (or demands) unless we are genuinely willing to do so. Anything less than genuine willingness may lead to resentment, or frustration down the road.

I also heard him say “never let anyone put you in a position of either submitting or rebelling.” So, how do we accomplish this and always stay in compassion?

Giving in or giving up often does not resolve anything in the long run. These are just avoidance actions. But Rosenberg also suggests that we never compromise. Confusing?

The problem with compromise is that giving up on your needs is, at best, only a short-term resolution. Unless you have had a genuine shift of need, it is hard to let go of disappointment and resentment if you give up something that really matters to you.

Solution: Stay in dialogue with the other person, or people, long enough to allow a solution to organically come to the surface because you have stayed connected, heard one another’s needs, and concerns.

This is hard for us to do. We usually want to get out of conversations that don’t seem to be going well as soon as possible. My experience, though, is that staying in dialogue and hearing one another out, more often than not, ends up with a solution that works for everyone and allows us to remain compassionate friends, partners, and co-workers.

We often make demands of others but don’t realize we are making a demand. You know how it feels when someone makes a demand of you. Usually not comfortable. We need to dialogue, to prevent this.

How do you know if you’re making a demand? How do you respond to the other person if they say, “No?” If their “No” is something we are willing to hear, we have not made a demand-we have made a genuine request. If their “No” upsets us, we have probably made a demand.

Learning to dialogue with compassion, requests, rather than demands, and without giving up on our needs are important life skills that have changed my relationships for the better.